“Happiness turned to me and mentioned, ‘It’s time. It’s time to forgive your self for all the belongings you didn’t change into… Above all else, it’s time to consider, with reckless abandon, that you’re worthy of me, for I’ve been ready for years.” ~Bianca Sparacino
I didn’t know who I used to be.
That realization hit me like a punch to the chest after I ended a decade-long relationship and canceled my wedding ceremony six weeks earlier than it was speculated to occur.
I keep in mind standing in my kitchen one morning, staring on the ground, and considering, I do not know what sort of music I truly like.
That may sound small, however it was the start of every part unraveling.
As a result of while you don’t know what sort of music you want… you most likely don’t know what your values are. Or your opinions. Or your boundaries. Or your id.
And in my case, I didn’t.
My id had been formed solely by different individuals. I had change into an skilled in sensing what individuals wished me to be—after which being it.
I did it with romantic companions, with buddies, with coworkers. It was like I had this superpower: I might stroll right into a room, assess the vitality, and morph myself into whoever I believed can be the most likable model of me in that context.
Nice for my appearing profession. Not so nice for actual life.
When the connection ended and I lastly discovered myself alone, I didn’t simply really feel misplaced. I felt hole. I didn’t have a self to come back residence to. And the loneliness? It was insufferable.
I entered what I now name my “summer season of disappointment.”
On the time, I referred to as it freedom. I drank greater than regular. Partied greater than regular. I advised myself I used to be lastly dwelling. However behind all of it was a deep, silent ache. A confusion. An emotional fog that wouldn’t carry.
Ultimately, the fog was one thing darker: I spiraled right into a rock-bottom second I by no means noticed coming. It was like my soul mentioned, Sufficient.
And someplace in that mess, I grabbed a pen.
I didn’t know what else to do. I had a lot swirling inside me, and nothing made sense. So I sat down with my journal and wrote two lists.
Checklist One: Who I Am
This record was arduous to put in writing. It wasn’t self-love-y or constructive. It was trustworthy.
I wrote issues like:
- I’m anxious and overthinking continually.
- I say sure once I need to say no.
- I attempt to be what I believe others need me to be.
- I interrupt individuals when they’re talking as a result of I need to really feel relatable.
- I really feel responsible on a regular basis, and I don’t know why.
- I don’t belief myself.
There was no sugarcoating. No judgment both. Simply commentary.
I appeared on the web page and thought, Okay. That is the place I’m at.
Then I flipped the web page.
Checklist Two: Who I Wish to Be
This record felt completely different. Not dreamy or summary, however clear.
I wrote issues like:
- I need to be grounded and calm.
- I need to be type, affected person, and beneficiant.
- I need to hear greater than I communicate.
- I need to say no with out guilt.
- I need to present up extra in love and fewer in worry.
- I need to transfer via the world not feeling like I all the time have to show myself.
Studying them again, I might really feel how wildly completely different these two variations of me had been—not simply in how I confirmed up for the world, however in how I handled myself.
One record was stuffed with worry, defensiveness, and guilt. The opposite was rooted in confidence, calm, and selection.
It wasn’t about changing into a brand-new individual. It was about changing into extra me—the model of me that had been buried below layers of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and efficiency for years.
You’ll be able to’t change into who you need to be if you happen to’re not trustworthy about who you’re proper now. That’s precisely what these two lists gave me—an unfiltered take a look at each side of the mirror.
As I checked out each lists aspect by aspect, I didn’t really feel disgrace. I felt readability.
The hole between them wasn’t a flaw. It was a course.
And I had a option to make. Hold going as I used to be—or lastly do the work to alter.
Not only for a month. Not simply till I felt higher. However for actual this time.
The sort of change that’s uncomfortable. The sort that reworks your patterns, rewires your reflexes,
and asks you to let go of every part that not matches.
That second turned the muse of my therapeutic journey.
Consciousness First, Then Change
Let me be clear: I didn’t get up the subsequent day and magically change into that second record.
What I did was begin noticing. I’d stroll away from conversations and assume, Ah… I interrupted individuals so much once more. I attempted to be humorous as a substitute of actual. I mentioned sure once I meant no.
At first, that consciousness was irritating. I wished to be additional alongside. However ultimately, I noticed the win is in noticing.
What helped me most on this a part of the method was journaling.
I started monitoring my ideas, my actions—even whole conversations. I’d ask myself: Was I current as we speak? Or was I in my head? Did I attempt to show one thing? The place did that sample present up?
Generally I’d set one small focus, like “interrupt much less,” and observe that for weeks. I began noticing who I felt the necessity to impress, once I misplaced presence, and how much individuals triggered these previous habits. I wasn’t making an attempt to repair it all of sudden—I used to be studying myself in actual time. That consciousness, day-to-day, turned the bridge.
That’s the place to begin for each actual shift.
Over time, these small moments of noticing was completely different selections. I began talking up. Setting boundaries. Sitting with my feelings as a substitute of numbing them. Selecting presence over efficiency.
And little by little, I started changing into the individual on the second record.
Not completely. Not shortly. However actually.
What I Discovered from Writing Two Lists
1. Change begins with radical honesty. You’ll be able to’t develop if you happen to’re not keen to call the place you’re.
2. Self-awareness is a ability, not a swap. It builds slowly. Be affected person.
3. You don’t have to know the entire path. Simply the course is sufficient.
4. The aim isn’t perfection. It’s alignment. It’s feeling happy with who you’re changing into.
In the event you’re in a season of unraveling, I see you. It’s disorienting. It’s uncomfortable. Nevertheless it may also be the doorway to every part actual.
So seize a pen. Write your lists.
To not disgrace your self, however to fulfill your self.
That second of fact may simply be the second that modifications every part.
You don’t have to put in writing your lists completely. You don’t even must know what to do with them instantly. Simply be trustworthy. Begin the place you’re. Let readability come earlier than change—and let that be sufficient for now.
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