“Probably the most stunning issues on the planet can’t be seen… they have to be felt with the guts.” ~Helen Keller
I didn’t wish to admit it—to not myself, to not anybody. However I’m slowly going blind.
That fact is tough to put in writing, more durable nonetheless to reside. I’m seventy years previous. I’ve survived conflict zones, sickness, caregiving, and artistic dangers. I’ve labored as a documentary filmmaker, trainer, and mentor. However this—this quiet, gradual vanishing of sight—feels just like the loneliest battle of all.
I’ve average to superior macular degeneration in each eyes. My proper eye is sort of gone, and my left is fading. Each two weeks, I obtain injections to attempt to protect what imaginative and prescient stays. It’s a routine I now reside with—and one I dread.
Residing in a Imaginative and prescient-Centric World
We reside in a world that privileges sight above all different senses.
From billboards to smartphones, from flashy design to social cues, imaginative and prescient is the dominant sense in American tradition. In the event you can’t see clearly, you fall behind. You’re ignored. The world stops making house for you.
Is one sense really extra worthwhile than one other? Philosophically, no. However socially, sure. On this tradition, blindness is feared, pitied, or ignored—not understood. And so are most disabilities.
Accessibility is commonly an afterthought. Lodging, a burden. To reside in a disabled physique on this world is to be reminded—many times—that your wants are inconvenient.
I consider folks in different nations—thousands and thousands with out entry to care and even analysis. I thank the deities, ancestors, and forces of compassion that I don’t have one thing worse. And I remind myself: as painful as that is, I’m fortunate.
However it’s nonetheless bleak and painful to coexist with the bodily world when it not sees you clearly—and when you possibly can not see it.
How a Filmmaker Faces Blindness
As my sight fades, one query haunts me: How can I be a filmmaker, author, and trainer with out the eyes I as soon as trusted?
I usually consider Beethoven. He misplaced his listening to step by step, as I’m shedding my sight. A composer who might not hear—however nonetheless created. Nonetheless transmitted music. Nonetheless discovered magnificence in silence.
I perceive his despair—and his devotion. No, I’m not Beethoven. However I’m somebody whose life has been formed by visible storytelling. And now I need to study to form it by really feel, by reminiscence, by belief.
I depend on accessibility instruments. I hear to each phrase I write. I take advantage of audio cues, display readers, and my very own inner voice. I nonetheless write in stream once I can—however extra slowly, phrase by phrase. I revise by sound. I rebuild by sense. I write proprioceptively—feeling the form of a sentence in my fingers and breath earlier than it lands on the display.
It’s not environment friendly. However it’s alive. And in some methods, it’s extra trustworthy than earlier than.
Strive ordering groceries with low imaginative and prescient. Tiny grey textual content on a white background. Menus with no labels. Buttons you possibly can’t discover. After ten minutes, I hand over—not simply on the web site, however on dinner, on the day.
That is what incapacity seems to be like within the digital age: Not darkness, however exclusion. Not silence, however indifference.
Even with instruments, even with know-how, it’s exhausting. The web—an area with a lot potential to empower—too usually turns into a maze for individuals who can’t see clearly. It’s bleak to reside in a world that gives options in idea, however not in follow.
I nonetheless educate. I nonetheless mentor. However the best way I educate has modified.
I not depend on visible suggestions. I ask college students to explain their work aloud. I hear carefully—for which means, for emotion, for readability of function. I information not by trying, however by sensing.
This isn’t lower than—it’s completely different. Generally richer. Educating has turn into extra relational, extra intentional. Not about being the skilled, however about being current.
And nonetheless, I miss what I had. Each job takes extra time. Each e mail is a mountain. However I stick with it—not out of stubbornness, however as a result of that is who I’m. A trainer. A creator. A witness.
Buddhism, Impermanence, and Grief
So the place do I put this ache?
Buddhism helps. It teaches that each one kinds are impermanent. Sight fades. Our bodies change. Clinging brings struggling. However letting go—softly, attentively—can deliver peace.
That doesn’t imply I bypass grief. I reside with it. I breathe with it.
There’s a Zen story of a person who misplaced an arm. Somebody requested him how he was coping. He replied, “It’s as if I misplaced a jewel. However the moon nonetheless shines.”
I consider that usually.
I’ve misplaced a jewel. However I nonetheless see the moon. Generally not with my eyes, however with reminiscence, with feeling, with breath.
The Knowledge of Slowness
My writing is sluggish now. Not as a result of I’ve misplaced my voice, however as a result of I need to hear it in a different way.
I nonetheless expertise stream—however not within the previous means. I write phrase by phrase. Then I hear. Then I rewrite. I transfer like somebody strolling throughout a darkish room, palms outstretched—not afraid, however attentive.
That is how I create now. Intentionally. Tenderly. With presence.
And on this sluggish, tough course of, I’ve discovered one thing sudden: a deeper connection to my very own language. A deeper longing to make others really feel one thing true.
Whilst I fade from the visible world, I’m discovering a brand new technique to see.
What I Nonetheless Supply
If there’s one factor I can provide—by way of blindness, grief, and slowness—it’s this: We don’t lose ourselves once we lose skills or roles. We’re not disappearing. We’re nonetheless right here. Simply doing issues in a different way—extra slowly, extra attentively, and maybe with a deeper sense of which means.
Someday, I could not have the ability to see the display in any respect. However I’ll nonetheless be a author. Nonetheless be a trainer. Nonetheless be somebody who sees, within the ways in which matter most.
Even when the sunshine goes out in my eyes, it doesn’t must exit in my voice.
And for those who’re studying this, then the hassle was value it.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins, EdD, MFA, is a author, documentary filmmaker, and educator whose work explores presence, creativity, and which means in on a regular basis life. His essays mix storytelling and reflection within the type of inventive nonfiction, drawing on experiences from filmmaking, journey, and caregiving. He’s the creator of Inventive Scholarship: Rethinking Analysis in Movie and New Media Home windows to the Sea: Collected Writings. You’ll be able to learn extra of his essays and reflections on his Substack at tonycollins.substack.com.
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