“Your silence is not going to shield you.” ~Audre Lorde
After I was little, I realized that being “good” meant being quiet.
Not simply with my voice, however with my wants. My feelings. Even the area I took up.
I don’t keep in mind anybody sitting me down and saying, “Don’t converse except spoken to.” However I felt it—within the flinches after I was too loud, the strain after I cried, the delicate reward after I stayed calm, agreeable, small. I felt it in the way in which adults sighed with reduction after I didn’t make a fuss. I felt it in the way in which I finished asking for what I needed.
Goodness, to me, grew to become about not rocking the boat.
I keep in mind as soon as being informed, “You’re such a great woman—you by no means complain.” And I carried that like a medal. I keep in mind crying in my room as a substitute of talking up at dinner. Saying “I’m superb” even when my chest harm with unsaid phrases. I didn’t need to trigger bother. I needed to be straightforward to like.
So I smiled by way of discomfort. Nodded after I needed to say no. Bit my tongue after I had one thing true to say. I grew to become nice, adaptable, well-liked.
And completely disconnected from myself.
The Physique Retains the Quiet
For a very long time, I assumed this was only a persona trait. I informed myself I used to be simply easygoing. Delicate. A peacemaker.
However the reality is, I had internalized a nervous system survival technique: fawning. A delicate, usually invisible adaptation the place security is sought not by way of flight or struggle however by way of appeasement. Turning into who others need you to be. Saying what they need to hear.
In my physique, this regarded like:
- Holding my breath in tense conversations
- Smiling after I felt anxious
- Swallowing phrases that rose in my throat
- Feeling exhausted after social interactions, not figuring out why
It wasn’t simply social nervousness or shyness. It was a deeply ingrained survival sample—one which formed every little thing from how I moved on this planet to how I associated to others.
I didn’t but have the language for what was taking place. However I may really feel the fee.
The silence I carried began to ache—not simply emotionally, however bodily.
My jaw clenched. My shoulders rounded ahead. My chest felt like a locked room. I felt foggy in conversations, distant in relationships, not sure of the place I started and ended.
It seems, whenever you chronically silence your self to remain protected, your physique begins whispering what your voice can’t say.
The First Time I Mentioned “No”
It wasn’t a dramatic second. There was no shouting or storming out.
It was a quiet dinner with somebody I didn’t really feel totally protected round. They requested for one thing that crossed a line. And for the primary time in my grownup life, as a substitute of mechanically saying sure, I paused.
I heard the previous script begin to run: Be good. Don’t upset them. Simply say sure, it’s simpler.
However one thing in me—a wiser, quieter half—held regular.
I took a breath. I mentioned, “No, I’m not okay with that.”
And despite the fact that my physique trembled, I didn’t crumble. Nothing catastrophic occurred. I went house and cried—not from worry, however from reduction.
It was one of many first moments I noticed I may select myself. Even when it felt unnatural. Even after I wasn’t certain what would occur subsequent.
That one second modified one thing in me. Not in a single day. But it surely planted a seed.
Reclaiming My Voice, One Breath at a Time
Reclaiming my voice hasn’t been an enormous, daring revolution. It’s been a sluggish unfolding.
It seems like:
- Taking a couple of seconds earlier than I reply, even when silence feels uncomfortable
- Letting myself converse with emotion, not filtering every little thing to sound “affordable”
- Naming what I would like, even when my voice shakes
- Resting after interactions that go away me drained—honoring the influence
- Journaling the issues I needed to say, even when I by no means say them out loud
Some days I nonetheless go quiet. I nonetheless really feel the previous worry that talking reality will trigger rupture, rejection, or hurt. Generally I nonetheless rehearse what I need to say 5 instances earlier than I say it as soon as.
However I’ve realized that each time I take heed to myself, even when simply with a hand on my coronary heart, I’m creating security from the within out.
And slowly, my physique started to shift. I stood somewhat taller. My breath got here somewhat simpler. I began to really feel extra right here—extra like myself, not only a reflection of who I assumed I wanted to be.
What Helped Me Start
Generally, what rises first isn’t braveness however grief. Grief for all of the moments we didn’t converse, for the variations of ourselves that held all of it inside. I needed to be taught to fulfill that grief gently, not as failure, however as proof of how onerous I used to be making an attempt to remain protected.
This journey didn’t start with confidence—it started with compassion.
Noticing the instances I silenced myself with curiosity as a substitute of disgrace.
Asking: What did I worry may occur if I spoke? What used to occur?
Putting a hand on my chest and saying gently, “You’re not dangerous for being quiet. You had been making an attempt to remain protected.”
After which, after I felt prepared, experimenting with small expansions:
- Leaving a voice observe for a pal as a substitute of texting
- Telling somebody “I would like a second to assume” as a substitute of speeding a solution
- Saying “I really disagree” in a dialog the place I usually would’ve nodded alongside
None of those had been huge leaps. However every one taught my nervous system a brand new reality: it’s protected to have a voice.
If You’ve Been Quiet Too
In case you’re studying this and recognizing your personal silence, I need you to know:
You’re not dangerous for going quiet. You had been sensible. Your nervous system was doing its greatest to maintain you protected.
And when you’re starting to really feel the tug to talk—to take up somewhat more room, to say “no” or “I don’t know” or “I would like a second”—you possibly can belief that too.
You don’t must turn into loud or forceful. Reclaiming voice doesn’t imply overpowering anybody else. It simply means together with your self. Honoring your reality. Letting your physique exhale.
You might be allowed to be heard. You might be allowed to pause. You might be allowed to unfold, one breath at a time.
Your voice is just not a risk. It’s a bridge—again to your self. Your silence as soon as saved you protected. However now, your reality may set you free.
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