“There’s a crack in all the things, that’s how the sunshine will get in.” ~Leonard Cohen
When despair comes, I really feel it like a prowler gliding by means of my physique. My chest tightens, my head fills with darkish whispers, and even the day seems like evening. The prowler has no face, no clear form, however its presence is heavy. Generally it circles in silence inside me. Different occasions it presses in till I don’t know learn how to reply.
In these moments, I really feel caught between two selections: do I lie nonetheless, hoping it passes by, or do I rise and face it? Typically, I select mendacity down—not out of paralysis however persistence. Generally the one method to coexist with the shadow is to relaxation, to give up for some time, to let sleep take me. And generally, after I wake, I really feel a bit lighter. Not freed from the prowler however reminded that it’s potential to dwell alongside it.
Carl Jung as soon as wrote, “Everybody carries a shadow, and the much less it’s embodied in our aware life, the blacker and denser it’s.” I do know this to be true. The extra I attempt to push my despair away, the heavier it turns into. However after I deliver consciousness—even reluctant consciousness—its energy weakens.
The Shadow as Instructor
The shadow just isn’t solely my enemy. It additionally serves as a trainer. Despair forces me to face the elements of myself I might slightly outrun: disgrace, grief, concern, anger, discontent. But it surely additionally carries hidden truths. Jung prompt that the shadow holds not simply what we reject but in addition forgotten strengths and potentialities.
For me, the shadow’s message is humility. It jogs my memory I’m not in management, that I can’t polish myself into perfection. It pushes me to pay attention extra deeply—to the ache I carry and the struggles I see in others. It insists that therapeutic doesn’t come from pretending the darkness isn’t there. It comes from being keen to see it.
Buddhism and the Prowler
Buddhism offers me one other method to see this. The Buddha taught that struggling doesn’t simply come from clinging to what we crave; it additionally comes from turning away from what we don’t need to face. That turning away is known as aversion.
When the prowler strikes by means of me, my intuition is all the time to show away. I need to push it out, distract myself, faux it isn’t there. However every time I run from it, the shadow grows stronger.
In meditation, I apply staying. I sit and breathe, whispering silently, “Might I be free from concern. Might I be at peace.” I’ll be trustworthy, generally these phrases really feel empty and even foolish. They don’t all the time carry me. However saying them creates a pause—a second of willingness to remain as a substitute of operating. The prowler doesn’t vanish, nevertheless it softens a bit below the sunshine of compassion.
Creativity and the Shadow
I’ve additionally found that my documentary work—filmmaking, writing, instructing—is simply genuine after I acknowledge the shadow. My digicam turns into a mirror. Once I faux all the things is mild, the photographs really feel flat. However after I enable the complexity of shadow into my seeing, the work has depth.
Once I sit with individuals to take heed to their tales, I usually sense their shadows too—grief unstated, concern beneath the floor, contradictions in how they see themselves. I can acknowledge these shadows as a result of I’ve lived with mine. Going through my very own shadow permits me to fulfill others with larger reality and compassion.
To create actually means letting the shadow into the body. With out it, there’s no distinction, no rigidity, no reality.
Caregiving as Gentle
One of many best items in my life now could be caregiving for my ninety-six-year-old mom. These small each day acts deliver moments of sudden reprieve.
I bear in mind one morning, bringing her a easy breakfast—simply toast and tea. She checked out me and smiled, her face lighting up with gratitude. In that second, the prowler loosened its grip. It was such a small factor, but it fed the a part of me that needed to dwell.
Taking part in her old-time tunes on my Gibson mandolin does the identical. Once I see her foot tapping or hear her hum alongside, one thing shifts inside me. Caregiving sheds mild into the darker locations of my coronary heart. The simplicity of getting ready meals or sharing music jogs my memory that love and repair are stronger than despair. These acts don’t erase the shadow, however they bring about steadiness, displaying me I’m greater than my despair.
Feeding the Shadow, Feeding the Gentle
I’ve come to see that I generally feed my despair. Not on function, however by means of fear, nervousness, and rumination. Every time I circle the identical fears, I’m handing the prowler a meal.
After which there are different occasions after I feed one thing else. The phrases of meditation might really feel hole, the wolf story might sound idealistic, however the easy acts are actual: making my mom breakfast, taking part in her a mandolin tune, writing with honesty, and even simply respiration one regular breath.
It jogs my memory of the well-known story of two wolves: A grandfather advised his grandson that inside every of us are two wolves. One is fierce and harmful, stuffed with anger, envy, concern, and despair. The opposite is peaceable and life-giving, stuffed with compassion, hope, and love. The boy requested, “Which one will win?” The grandfather replied, “The one you feed.”
For me, each wolves are actual. The prowler and the peaceable one dwell facet by facet. I don’t deny my despair. I do know it’s a part of me. However I additionally know I can select, second by second, which one I’ll feed.
Presence with the Shadow
The prowler nonetheless comes. I think it all the time will. Some days it circles silently like a vulture. Different days it urges me to lie down and give up. And generally, after I wake, I really feel a small aid—a reminder that coexistence is feasible.
That is what presence has come to imply for me. Presence just isn’t escaping into mild or denying the darkish. Presence is staying with what’s—the prowler, the heaviness, the caregiving, the concern. It means respiration with it, resting with it, even sleeping with it, with out operating away.
Each Jung and the Buddha level on this course. Jung says we can’t turn out to be entire with out making the darkness aware. The Buddha says we can’t be free if we flip away in aversion. And I’ve discovered that I can’t create or take care of others or dwell totally if I refuse to face the prowler inside me.
So I proceed step-by-step. I breathe. I keep. I relaxation. I create. I deliver my mom breakfast. I play her mandolin tunes. I feed the peaceable wolf. I coexist. The shadow nonetheless prowls, however I’m right here too—extra awake, extra human, extra current.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins, EdD, MFA, is a author, documentary filmmaker, and educator whose work explores presence, creativity, and which means in on a regular basis life. His essays mix storytelling and reflection within the model of artistic nonfiction, drawing on experiences from filmmaking, journey, and caregiving. He’s the writer of Inventive Scholarship: Rethinking Analysis in Movie and New Media Home windows to the Sea: Collected Writings. You’ll be able to learn extra of his essays and reflections on his Substack at tonycollins.substack.com.
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