“Music was my refuge. I may crawl into the area between the notes and curl my again to loneliness.” ~Maya Angelou
I used to imagine that therapeutic and private transformation required a variety of effort—writing web page after web page in a journal or getting up on the morning time to hold out a morning routine, to call a pair.
After I moved by way of a section of numbness—or the tunnel of darkness, as I now name it—it was horrifying, and there gave the impression to be no finish in sight. However one music discovered me on the proper second and adjusted every little thing.
In below 5 minutes, it achieved what all of the instruments and data I had couldn’t: it made me really feel one thing.
That second jogged my memory that therapeutic and transferring ahead don’t all the time want rituals or phrases—generally, all it takes is the precise sound on the proper time.
Earlier than that second of awakening, my life felt like a loop. Day in and day trip, every little thing was the identical. My being was on mute—nothing resonated, and I walked by way of life hole, flat, and disengaged.
Every day felt just like the one earlier than. I used to be disconnected however longing to really feel one thing. I put strain on myself to repair no matter this was. And when it didn’t work, I pushed tougher and tougher.
I attempted all of the issues I had discovered over time: deep respiration, meditation that solely amplified the noise in my head, journaling till my hand ached, lighting salt candles, and nonetheless, I couldn’t appear to attach with myself.
There was solely stillness, however it didn’t really feel peaceable. It felt unusual and disorienting—a type of stuckness. A way of being that portrayed me not as an individual anymore, however only a physique transferring by way of the motions.
But nothing modified. Not one of the data I had made a distinction. The tunnel appeared to collapse on me, leaving me feeling like I used to be nothing—like I’d by no means get wherever once more.
Then, sooner or later, I pressed play on “Wild Flower” by RM of BTS. I can’t bear in mind precisely how I discovered it, however I do bear in mind being alone, simply attempting to de-stress.
It was a type of moments the place you click on on one thing with out actually understanding why—only a quiet, inside nudge. BTS had come into my life just a few months earlier, and I used to be most drawn to RM. That day, one thing in me—the half that also carried hope—requested me to click on on this music, this video. And inside seconds, every little thing shifted.
Immediately, my physique stopped and took discover. From the opening that hit me like a firework to the primary notes and spoken phrases (in Korean, which I didn’t perceive), I felt one thing once more. I couldn’t imagine it.
I went from numbness—from nothing—to goosebumps, tears streaming down my face, and pressure leaving my physique.
The emotion in RM’s voice, the refrain sung by Youjeen, and the sound of the music itself—it was the reminder I wanted that I used to be nonetheless alive. Nonetheless right here.
That music grew to become the catalyst for me to open up, to really feel once more, and to appreciate there was a manner out—a manner again to myself.
At first, I didn’t perceive the lyrics, and I didn’t even strive, as a result of it didn’t matter. What mattered was the rawness within the supply, his voice stuffed with emotion that anybody may perceive. The longing, the ache, the discharge—all of it was sufficient.
Later, after I regarded up the phrases, it solely deepened the that means. Sentences like “When your personal coronary heart underestimates you” and “Grounded by myself two toes” felt like direct messages to my soul. Like somebody lastly noticed me—not for who I used to be pretending to be, however who I used to be beneath all the trouble.
In that second, I noticed I didn’t must do extra. It was about opening up just a bit extra and receiving what this music was giving me.
I didn’t must journal, dive deeper into private growth, repair myself, or hustle. That second jogged my memory: simply being with the music was sufficient.
Whereas journaling offers me perception into myself and my life, music offers me the emotion I must really feel as a way to begin therapeutic.
After which a quiet query rose up in me: “What if therapeutic doesn’t must be earned or hustled for?”
What if we don’t must continuously work on ourselves to be okay? What if some components of therapeutic are literally about stopping, softening, and letting one thing larger maintain us, even only for a second?
That one music grew to become that second for me. It cracked one thing open. And as soon as it did, I didn’t collapse. I started to return alive once more, slowly, quietly, however certainly.
I nonetheless love journaling—it’s a constant a part of my life—however now I do know that therapeutic can start in silence, in sound, and in give up.
Since then, I’ve had many different moments the place music grew to become the medication I didn’t know I wanted.
Typically it’s a mild white noise—a crackling hearth combined with rain. Different occasions, it’s a beat that makes me transfer, cry, or sing.
However “Wild Flower” was the start, the music that jogged my memory feeling is feasible once more. That numbness isn’t everlasting. And that generally, we don’t must seek for the precise phrases. We simply must hear.
I encourage you to note what songs discover you and the way they make you’re feeling. As a result of possibly at this time, your therapeutic begins with listening.
About Birgit Livesey
Birgit Livesey is an introverted music mindfulness information who helps quiet souls to find their manner again to themselves by way of music. She is aware of how heavy life can really feel once you’re emotionally exhausted or caught—and the way the precise music, on the proper second, will be the softest manner again house. You possibly can discover her sincere reflections and delicate choices right here.
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