“Avoiding your triggers isn’t therapeutic. Therapeutic occurs whenever you’re triggered and also you’re capable of transfer by means of the ache, the sample, and the story, and stroll your option to a special ending.” ~Vienna Pharaon
I assumed I had figured it out.
For a 12 months, I had been doing the “interior work”—meditating each day, working towards breathwork, journaling, doing yoga. I had learn all of the books. I had deconditioned so many behaviors that weren’t serving me: my have to show, my want to match, my unfavorable thought patterns. My self-awareness was by means of the roof. I had hit that deep, deep place in meditation I examine within the non secular texts. I met my soul.
I had stripped my life all the way down to the necessities: no espresso, no alcohol, no meat, no distractions. My morning routine was bulletproof: journal, learn a non secular textual content, do yoga and breathwork, meditate.
I distanced myself from many—placing up boundaries to among the closest individuals to me as a result of they “didn’t perceive.” I spent my days primarily in nature, alone, in a lot stillness and presence. I had lastly discovered peace. Or at the least, I assumed I had.
After which I went to a silent retreat in Bali.
I flew the world over, able to spend eleven days in full silence, totally immersed in my interior world. I assumed it could deepen my peace, open me as much as much more divine inspiration, that it could solidify all of the therapeutic I had carried out.
I had no thought it was about to tear me open.
For the primary three days, I used to be in heaven. I used to be extra current than I had ever been in my life. The sound of the river, the sensation of the breeze on my pores and skin—it was intoxicating. I felt like I might keep there without end. I felt like I used to be residence, internally and externally.
However on day 4, all the pieces cracked broad open.
All of a sudden, the feelings I assumed I had healed—those I had spent months working by means of—got here flooding again like a tidal wave. It began with comparability. Evaluating myself to different individuals on the retreat. Evaluating my physique, my flexibility in yoga class, my pores and skin, my magnificence.
I used to be so confused—I had the notice to know this wasn’t “good.” I had the notice to understand this was me defaulting to all these outdated ideas and behaviors.
My thoughts began battling itself—after which I dove proper into the “worst” conduct I assumed I had healed: judgment. Judgment of others and judgment of myself.
What was happening?! Hadn’t I already carried out this work? Why was I again right here once more?
An increasing number of feelings began developing. I felt so unworthy once more, like I hadn’t carried out sufficient work on myself. Like this previous 12 months was carried out all mistaken, prefer it was wasted. Like I misunderstood the project.
And that’s when it hit me: I had mistaken solitude for therapeutic.
These few months earlier than the silent retreat, I had wrapped myself in solitude like a security blanket. I had prevented something that triggered me—conditions, individuals, even sure ideas. I had created boundaries—not simply with others, however with life itself.
I used to be at peace… however I wasn’t residing.
I had gone to date into solitude, into stillness, that I had disconnected from the very factor that makes life significant—different individuals. I had tricked myself into pondering I had discovered peace when, actually, I had simply discovered one other model of management.
However management isn’t therapeutic—it’s simply one other approach of making an attempt to really feel secure.
Seems, I wasn’t at peace—I used to be chasing once more. And this time, I used to be chasing enlightenment. It seemed totally different from my outdated pursuits—extra noble, extra non secular—however it was nonetheless a chase. And I’ll say actually (and never egotistically), I reached enlightenment. I do know I did. I reached Samadhi, consciousness, pure bliss. However then I began chasing that state, making an attempt to ensure I used to be at all times in it. And the one approach I might keep in it was by being alone.
That’s the place the management got here in. I assumed I had relinquished my want for management. I assumed I used to be free. And in some methods, I used to be. However in different methods, I used to be meticulously curating each single element of my life to ensure I might at all times stay in that blissful state. Management had woven its tentacles into my non secular observe, and I didn’t even understand it.
I wanted to be remoted, as a lot as attainable, to take care of my peace. I had satisfied myself that this was my goal. That this was my highest path.
However that additionally made life so… lonely. Sure, it was peaceable. However abruptly I spotted I missed my friendships. I missed my household. I missed all of the individuals who triggered the heck out of me.
As a result of in full silence and solitude, I noticed the reality—what makes life “life” is being in relation to one thing or somebody.
The reality is, actual peace isn’t present in avoiding life—it’s present in transferring by means of it. It’s discovered within the moments once we really feel all the pieces, once we get harm, once we love, once we mess up, once we forgive.
That’s what life is. That’s what therapeutic is.
And go determine—it took full silence to point out me that.
On my second-to-last day on the retreat, I sat by the river and watched a single leaf fall into the water. These lovely large leaves that look so thick and strong, so sturdy. The present swept it alongside, pushing it underneath rocks, pulling it again up, flipping it over, tearing its edges on twigs lodged within the riverbed.
However right here’s the factor—it doesn’t matter what, the leaf stored transferring. It acquired caught now and again, however in some way, it could dislodge—a bit extra damaged and bruised however nonetheless transferring.
And so will we.
Irrespective of how a lot life twists us, irrespective of what number of feelings hit us like waves, we are supposed to circulate with it, not run from it. Not keep away from it.
What Silence Taught Me About Actual Peace
1. Solitude is a instrument, not a vacation spot.
Alone time is effective, however true therapeutic occurs in relationship—with individuals, with challenges, with the messiness of life.
2. Feelings are a present, not a burden.
I assumed I had reached enlightenment by avoiding ache, however actual peace comes from feeling all the pieces—pleasure, sorrow, frustration, love—and transferring by means of it.
3. You possibly can’t management your approach into peace.
I assumed if I simply stored my surroundings “pure,” I might defend my sense of calm. However life isn’t about management; it’s about belief.
Circulate with life, even when it hurts. That leaf within the river jogged my memory—life will push, pull, and take a look at you, however you are supposed to navigate it, not resist it.
So sure, silence is essential. Solitude is highly effective. However the work? The true work is on the market. Within the messy, lovely, heart-wrenching, soul-expanding expertise of being human.
And that’s the lesson I carried with me—not simply after I lastly opened my mouth to talk once more, however into each second of life that adopted.
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